Thursday, June 07, 2007 @ 8:10 PM
So 50-50.. some says right, while another disagrees.
Remind me again, on why am i living if my life were just full of failure. I know there will be people rejoicing on the fact that i've encounter failure over and over again. I dono why, WHY will they have to think this way. Is my blurness = evil intentions? Its ok, if anyone of u are such a person, i give u the chance to rejoice. Laugh ur hearts out, and i hope u get ur own retribution.
really.. wat am i to do? wat shud i do? Wat shud i not do? Its still the HEART problem that is the biggest and hardest. Sometimes when a person is at the weakest point, the mind is really hard to control. And any tiny agitation leads to mistakes.
She has said it all out. Useless, childish, lazy, dumb, stupid, immature, ugly...
i tried means and ways to blocked it out of my ears.
Its still an agitation to me.
So am i really such a horrible creature with not even a single good point? Since when did i harm anyone? Since when did i commit a huge sin that i've to pay it back with my mind, soul, life? Den why do people not see my good side, but only complains bout the bad?
So if i am that bad, i feel very threatened by the outside world, and by people around me, including those who used to be in my life. Its a terrible feeling i swear. I feel not at ease everyday 24/7. Doesn't matter if i cant eat or sleep well. even though it will only make me look uglier. But i wanna remove it, i wanna live my life happy and in PEACE with EASE. I wanna be safe, be secure, be assured, be promised. It isn't a very hard thing to do isn't it?
It was all wrong from the start. All Wrong..... It has hurt, am hurting and i wanna heal it. In the process of healing, I hurt instead. However, i asked for ur understanding, that u have to understand why i did so and to forgive. Its very weak, and any more agitation, it will break and die. I meant my heart. Once hurt, and the scar will be there forever. U and me will understand that, therefore i can only hope that every consederation will be made in future, such mistake will nv be made again. Because it hurts so much, till it hurts my mind. I've gone crazy.. I thought i could kill. I dreamt i could burn down houses. No its not a heroic act, its a nightmare. CAN U IMAGINE WAT I'M GOING THROUGH? No one will, neither me myself cant. I dono wat i need, wat i'm thinking. I think i need a doctor, I think i have depression. HAHAHAHA. Joke of the day.
Anyway, for now i've calm down, and i thought through bout wat u are going through. So no i will nv understand wat u wan out of ur life too.. Because ur wants are changing all the time. But i will just hope that i'm a good impact in ur life. That my true intentions will be able to shine. That u will not be blinded to it. I pray that love will conquer all.
But for now, I've to get rid of the doubt, gain the trust. Which seems very impossible if there is going to be further agitation. I feel like i could fall any moment.
HURT, THREATENED, DOUBTS, BETRAYED, SMASHED, SCARED, HOPES AND HOPES AGAIN..
I dono how or wat i've to do. I will only say i'm sorry..