another such day
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 @ 1:06 AM
So u've finally let everything out.. How i wish i could. But no hard feelings. I know. I just feel so suffocated by the fact that i've no chance to explain myself. Even so, who will bother listening and bother believing?
I wan admit and say thing loud and clear now den.. I've no HEART no MOOD no ENERGY to work recently.. N i can feel its not going away or getting any better. Say whatever u all wan, I nv put in heart, nv put in effort and bla.. Indeed for these few days i am not. Teach me how to. U jolly well should know its all about u. U are my everything, therefore the one that affects my mood. No am not pushing any blame, am clarifying things. I hate to be misunderstood. I'm always feeling so Xin Bu Zai Yan recently. Not only work but everything. But cos i spent more time at work den going out, of cos such attitude is mistaken to be at work. But during work, i see u all the time, even when i wan to let go, and start my 'engine', i just cant do it.. u will nv understand how hard i try.. never... No one will.. No one.
Its very hard to explain. I dono how to either. I can just say during this sch holiday, There's nv a day truely happy. I'm not referring to u only, but my whole life. Frens, sch results, family and it goes on. I wonder why i have more bad pts den gd pts. But i've been trying cant u all see?? I don get it why everyone only sees my bad pt but are blind to the times when i tried when i succeeded when i was gd. WHY??
For things i did, i was nv thanked and appreciated. But for things i didn't, it would IMMEDIATLY be spotted. I guess thats life and it happens to everyone. ALot of things that happen, (mayb with the fact that i'm so dumb that i didn't notice it) I swear i don do it on purpose for the sake of showing off or whatsoever. Theres something so wrong with me.. I guessed u all have realize that i'm so deaf. Always at a different channel with u all. U struggle to communicate with me right? Sometimes pek chek until cant be bothered to communicate even? Its ok. I wun put to heart, nor will i blame. Its all my own fault. But i'm saying all this because i hate to be mistaken that I'm doing it on purpose and/or I'm not trying to change it.. U will nv know How hurtful it is. Heartbreaking..Let me scream this out..
I'm feeling so attitude, so lifeless, so emo, so sad, so hopeless and so loveless because i've lots and lots of knots and problems in my heart that are very confusing to be explained. not that i don wan to solve these probs but i dono how. And if u are asking wat probs, I cant explain. I really really dono how. Thats the biggest prob among my prob. Therefore i'm so stuck. I am very very tired emotionally and physically..
I really am.. Pls don ever think its just my excuses for things. Pls don. I only wanna ask frm U my frens, Give me time pls. I need time to sort out myself. During this while, I guess it would be best to just corner myself so i can reflect. But just give me time..
Once again i wan to make things clear, I'm not asking for self-pity or seeking attention or pin-pointing anyone. I just wanna feel better but letting some things out.. And if u ever read until this line, Thank you so much for reading a useless entry. =)